Geriatric Gyration

In the fall of 2018, I lost both of my grandmothers. My dad’s mom passed in September; my mom’s mom in November. I was there until the end of both of their lives, absorbing all of heartbreak and abruptness of the situations. This was the first time I dealt with the loss of someone so close to me...and I had to deal with two back to back. Immediately I was swirling in an emotional washing machine of love, loss, family, faith, and grief on the highest spin cycle.

What I did NOT realize was how much I was going to learn about the sex lives of senior citizens!!! My two grandfathers lost their wives in similar ways, but they are handling the bachelor life remarkably differently.

(If you’re nauseous now, I’m sorry, it’s not going to get any better).

It’s easier to talk about my grandpa’s sex lives if I imagine them eating cake from a can rather than…. the geriatric gyration occurring

Bachelor #1

My dad’s dad was the first to become a bachelor. He was by my grandma’s side when she died. I have no idea how it felt to call the hospice to take her body away. When I stood next to him at the internment, he told me he instinctively looked for Grandma because that’s what he always did in events like this, and that’s when it hit him. I immediately started bawling, projecting snot rockets all over my cousin’s coat.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT MEN

Even at the ripe age of 75, they are STILL CONTROLLED BY THEIR PENIS. It’s disgusting, and you’d think the wrink-ledge would deter...I can’t even finish the thought. You get the point. I’ve seen enough ED commercials that I assumed private parts stop working after a certain age. That’s why the couple is in two separate bathtubs, right?

I thought the separate bathtubs meant all of the...shenanigans...were over

My grandparents were both astute Catholics. My grandfather still is, becoming even more involved in the local church after my grandma’s death. In the distorted reality of the Catholic church, my Grandpa thinks that even after he’s been married for 40+ years and the times have changed ~dramatically~, in his mind, if he wants to…do the deed….he needs to be married.

Even though he’s a devout Christian.

Even though he’s already been married and was 100% faithful.

Even though he’s 70-fucking-5 so who gives a damn what he does anymore??

If he’s going to heaven or hell, I think it’s been decided by now.

SO what does the brain contained in his canned spotted dick he decide to do? Marry the first woman he sees. (For the record, we do like the new woman).

The Catholic Church has changed a lot with the new Pope. It’s online now, as of last decade. It’s cool the Church has decided to modernize a little bit, so instead of being 400 years behind the times, it’s only about 200 years behind.

My grandpa and this new woman are going through online marriage counseling with the church. (Remember, they’ve both been married). They have to fill out 15 questionnaires online and discuss these with the marriage mentors they were assigned. These mentors have been married a solid 20 years less than both Grandpa and Bachelorette #1 were respectively married.

Here are two of my favorite sample questions I found:

  1. I am concerned that my parents or my future spouse’s parents may interfere in our marriage relationship.

Their parents have been dead for 20+ years. Next question please.

  1. My future spouse and I are open to having children.

Doesn’t matter if you’re open to it. I know for sure those parts don’t work anymore.

There is so much more to unpack here...but let me leave you with this: the woman my grandfather is about to marry is not Catholic. Apparently, my grandpa is such an eligible bachelor, and the desire for canned spotted dick (if you will) is so strong, this woman is willing to throw away any religious beliefs she’s held for the last seven decades during an eight-hour long online catholic course.

Bachelor #2

My mother’s father has taken a different approach. He doesn’t feel the need to get married again. Instead, he’s decided to live his best bachelor life. The number of women he’s seen since my grandma’s funeral would make Chad from Sigma Chi jealous. At this rate, he might be able to be the next Hugh Hefner.

As far as I know, there isn’t a replacement for the AARP-owned harem

My grandma knew this would happen—on her deathbed she said she didn’t care what he did, as long as it wasn’t with Senior Seductress #1. Which proves

MEN

AIN’T

SHIT

…because guess who is the first woman my grandpa found after the funeral???

Similar to Senior Seductress #1, who we do not like, I learned a lot of widows are on the fucking PROWL in these retirement communities. My grandpa switches between a community in Washington and one in Arizona. Allegedly, up and down the west coast, women are draping their legs over him in the hot tub, chasing him with casseroles, and asking to watch him do yard work. My grandma’s best friend and Arizona neighbor is known to be literally chasing women off my grandfather’s driveway.

Funny, until you imagine the amount of wrinkly and flabby flesh involved in all these shenanigans.

The worst part is, the baby boomer generation wasn’t taught sex education. My grandfather has been warned about (taken verbatim from a conversation I heard in his living room) “the STD-ridden whores of Saddlebrook.” I don’t know if he’s been up to Saddlebrook yet, but if he spends any time in the hot tub there, I think he needs to go through a chemical disinfectant treatment.

Is there a lesson here?

Before all of the heartbreak and tragedy, I assumed there were two ways to deal with the death of a spouse—you either get married again, or you don’t. Sounds like my grandfathers have each chosen their fork in the road, so I get to see both sides.

Bachelor #1, a man who is the stereotypical Baby Boomer who never had to cook for himself, chose to get married again. For a generation that spews tireless jokes about being married, they sure don’t know how to deal with themselves without a wife.

Bachelor #2 is a world traveler. He and my grandma spent time apart, taking care of themselves and doing their own things. Recently, he asked a woman to travel with him. She said she wasn’t going to travel without a pre-nup. He rightfully replied, “what the hell? You think we’re going to get married?”

 

Like most family: my grandpas are gross and weird, but I love them

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